Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.