Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
spicy snake
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”