The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Good point.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over