If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Not today
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
mom had nothing to worry about