very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
How times have changed.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.