My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*