Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My last name is Zilla.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is