gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Möther may I have a snäck
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!