I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot