Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
That’s amazing.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.