I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot