Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE