When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Guys, I found it.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”