6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.