A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
much to think about
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.