SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic