“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
What?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Whoa 😂
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
i hate you platonically
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Blew my mind.