Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran