My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Oh yeah that’s it
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume