Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out