Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Encore…
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.