I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today