[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
You Might Also Like
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.