Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Feels like the fourth month in January
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.