Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
You Might Also Like
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
All. The. Damn. Time.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.