Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.