I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”