*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck