The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The happy life.. 😊
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”