Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 馃檲)
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren鈥檛 nearly as fortunate.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don鈥檛 know what the other ones are called
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that鈥檚 not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren鈥檛 getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I鈥檓 going to need an ambulance.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Why don鈥檛 you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
When ur friends with white people
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he鈥檚 not even sticking out his tongue
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I鈥檝e had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.