17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
the composer
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.