I am crying
You Might Also Like
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.