Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Whoa 😂
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
this is the news I live for
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.