{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.