… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Okay
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri