They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.