Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Great acting.. 😂
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.