BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
some Old Testament wisdom
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*