Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.