In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Its true…
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.