JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You Might Also Like
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
What?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay