[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
You Might Also Like
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
So glad we cleared that up
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Uh oh…
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”