Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.