What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.