I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting