Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Based Erika
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.