me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
You Might Also Like
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*