“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
You Might Also Like
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up