Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’