My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.